I need to stop coming to work sober
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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