This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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