The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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