Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wish you could order shots online.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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