Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
