I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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