He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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