her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
