Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
