New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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