apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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