Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize