Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
