A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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