Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
