I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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