Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Randomize
