I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize