I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
