Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
