Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
