new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
As shirtless as possible
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
