sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
