You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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