Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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