take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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