that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize