i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
