I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Randomize
