So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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