when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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