i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
