I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm like, not good at living.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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