Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
