My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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