A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
