The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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