my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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