Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
