just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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