4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
