i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize