It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
