I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
