I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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