Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
