I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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