My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize