Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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