apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
