I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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