I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
