you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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