This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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