I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
